An Ode To He Who I Fell For

I was never one to entertain fancied notions of love and romanticism, but with you, I was willing to explore. What I felt for you was different. Refreshing, even. I wanted to breach the depths of my shallow being and to reach out towards your light.

My heart has always been a closely guarded secret. My fear of rejection runs so deep that I never let myself go beyond the simple bracket of friendship. But you peeled down my defences like wet plaster. With you, I was a new person. You made me laugh, you made me happy. You made me want to be less of a bitch the entire time. You made me believe.

And right when I thought I could depend on your constancy, you became a flickering lightbulb until that one day you finally stopped shining your brightness on me and left me in the dark.

Of course it wasn’t meant to be. My pathetic existence should not sully your enchanting one. And though I was willing to give you everything I had, there isn’t possibly anything you could want from me.

Soon Facebook will stop telling me to call you, and Snapchat will admit we’re not ‘best friends’ anymore, but as the trace of our beautiful beginning slowly fades from social media, the marks you left on my heart pang louder with each passing moment. A longing to understand what could have been, and what I did wrong, will breed in me till it completely encompasses my existence.

But don’t you worry, love, no one will know. All those years that I walked down corridors with fake smiles plastered on my face have given me the courage to look into your eyes and pretend it never happened. And so I say, no one will ever know the way my heart leaps every time we brush shoulders as we pass, or how my lips turn up whenever I see you smile.

No one will ever know of the love I keep bottled up inside me, and no one will hear it shatter when it finally gets too much.

No one, not even you, will hear me scream from the glass shards tearing me up from within.

 

x

ritoma

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